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When they broke up, circumstances had changed for me and life seemed a lot better.
I know that passing judgment (on either myself or her) after the end of our relationship is toxic bullshit.Yeah, you may be joking with her about how you “turned” her, but let’s be real: you were doing the “joking-but-not-really” bit. it’s something you chuckle about but it’s also something you’re quietly proud of. Sometimes it’s a case of finding out that they’re more bisexual than they realized.Other times, it’s literally a single-target sexuality; that person is the exception to their sexual preference for whatever reason.I had even prided myself on “turning her”, dumb as that sounds (we had joked about it).Now, to be honest, I felt relief, believing that what was obviously not a sustainable relationship could now be ended through circumstances beyond our control. And we did, for a while, until I started feeling like our dynamic seemed unchanged except for the absence of intimacy.Hey Doc: I was in a relationship with a woman that lasted for two years (including a year of living together until financial obstacles ended that arrangement) and then a further two years of on-again-off-again.
Most of the time, I was the one who ended things, until recently.
Even though I knew that sexuality is a fluid and difficult thing that’s rarely black-and-white, even though I knew we had slept together after her coming out, it made me feel incredibly emasculated.
Hearing hints and tidbits of information from mutual friends (who on the whole tried to not mention either of us to the other), taught me more than I probably needed to know about her sexual experiences with women and her relationship with him.
So I stayed clear, avoided gatherings with mutual friends and cut off contact. My lesbian ex-girlfriend found a handsome, adventurous, charismatic, man’s-man boyfriend who she started a long-distance relationship with.
This caused a personal crisis in masculinity on my part.
Meeting her again, I realize that we are incompatible, and that all I really have left is a sort of muted affection – but the jealousy and insecurities and the need to prove my manhood bubble up. How do you move on from knowing that you’re projecting, that there’s this black little cloud inside you making these Madonna-Whore intrusive thoughts burst through?